Inner Turmoil
by ElisiansBane
Summary: Yuuri doesn't want to feel these things. He doesn't want to admit he's fallen, because that would mean the end of what he has believed in. A Monologue written from Yuuri's POV on his developing feelings for Wolfram. warning: not beta read, self-edited.


Hello, everyone!

ElisiansBane here with an experiment in monologues! Whoo! For those of you who don't know, a monologue is an extended speech recited by a character in a play. The point of the monologue is to get a view inside the character's thoughts and feelings. A monologue is not a poem however, though they can be. This is really an experiment on my part because I have never written one but have always wanted to try, it's a good way to practice writing actual dialogue for a story and it helps to understand the inner thoughts of the characters in a story and keep it in perspective. Because, aren't characters in a story the reflection of the creator's interpretation of the world and humanity as he or she sees it?

Well, enough of my philosophical babble. I do hope you find this enjoyable, I'm aware that it's not perfect and I will make it better I promise. I just want some reader feedback so I'll know what do to different next time.

This monologue was inspired by the song 'I Caught Myself' by Paramore. I think it's a great song and I think it really fits into Yuuri and Wolfram's relationship from both of their perspectives. Check it out.

Disclaimer; honestly, do you really think I own it? The answer is no…

* * * * * * * * * * IT * * * * * * * * * *

Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!

Stop looking at me like that

Stop talking to me like that

Stop acting like that

Stop…loving me

You make it so hard sometimes, so hard

So hard not to feel, so hard not to …. Ugh!

I had it all figured out, you know,

It was easy to dislike you,

You're rude, bad tempered, spoiled

Callous, selfish, bratty, immature

I had every right to break up that damned engagement

It was an accident; everyone knew that and no one thought anything less of me.

They may have even felt pity for me

But not anymore

You made it easy to dislike you,

And your stupid fans helped as well

Your beauty made it easy to

Write you off as one of those dumb

Obnoxious pretty boys

Whose only notable attribute was their looks

Accuse me of cheating? Sure!

I could call you a jerk

Call me names, embarrass me in public?

Go ahead, I wanted to hate you.

It's easier to hate, easier to fight.

Way easier than…_this!_

Sometimes I would do things to piss you off

Just so I could remind myself how wrong we were for each other

That this was wrong

But then, things changed,

_You_ changed

And it got that much harder

So much harder

You would do things

You would say things

That would make me _feel_ things

Things that were wrong,

That were unnatural.

Disgusting. Repulsive. Taboo.

Enticing.

And you kept doing it!

Kept saying it!

Everyday, every hour, non stop!

I had it all ready, you know.

The document that would end it, end us

I kept it in a drawer in my desk

And after every time we fought or you accused me of something,

I would run to my desk, pull out my favorite pen and touch the paper with the tip,

Ready to sign you the hell out of my life!

But then, I never did, my name never made it on to that paper,

Want to know why?

Because the second that pen touched the parchment

My mind would flood with all the memories

Of all our adventures and the times we shared

The laughs, the anger, the sorrow

Each one more precious and dear to me than the last

I would remember how you would challenge me to be better

To work harder

To not let excuses keep me from doing what needed to be done

To quit whining and deal with my problems instead of complain.

To be a good king

I would remember how you were always there

Protecting me, supporting me

You believed in me when no one else would

Not even my supposed best friend

Not even my own brother

But you did, without question.

Now why did you have to do that?

It gets even worse,

My mind flooded with the images of when Ulrike lost control of her inner child

And she terrorized the capital

You got hit with one of her weird beams

And you fell

I remember being so scared that you were hurt

I rant to your side, yelling your name

Then you lifted your head

And looked at me with your big green eyes

Then you friggin' _glomped_ me

_Glomped me!_

And then….and then…

You said 'Yuuri, I love you!'

That was the first time you said that

It was the first of many to come

Now why'd you have to say that!

Didn't you know that when you do and say things like that

It's near impossible to stay mad?

You make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside

When you say and do those things

I lose my concentration and I can't remember that these kinds of relationships are wrong.

That I dislike you

That I don't…..Ugh!

You tried to tear down every prejudice, conception and opinion

That I had carefully put in place just to keep you out

And you moved right on in like you owned the place.

As usual

And now look at me! I'm a mess and it's your fault!

You've got me in a fix where I miss you when you're gone.

I look for you when you're not at my side

I worry about you

I dream about you

I hear your voice in my head

I see you on and in everything around me

I taste you in the air

I smell you on my clothes

I feel you on my skin

I can't even sleep without you!

Sigh…

It looks like I'm fighting an uphill battle with you

And I'm losing miserably

You have integrated into every facet of my existence

Where cutting you out of my life

Would be like cutting off my own arm

And that thought makes me sick

Sick because it's the truth

I can't imagine going one day

Without seeing you, hearing you

Touching you

And every day is a battle

Because I am fighting this with everything I got

I refuse to give in

But every day, I'm closer to surrender

Know why?

Because you pull these dirty tricks

Like when you give me that rare smile of yours

The one where you lift the corners of your mouth

Till they reach your eyes and make them shine

I've only seen it once or twice

But every time it ruins my resolve

And my heart betrays me with a skipped beat

And I am filled with this urge to do everything I can

To make you smile like that again

Or the worst trick of all

When you left me a letter

Dissolving our engagement and you went back to your family's lands

Never to be seen again

I should have been happy and relieved

That I would never have to deal with the selfish poo again

But I wasn't and I couldn't figure out why

Couldn't understand why instead of joy

I felt betrayed and empty

And heartbroken

It was in that moment that I realized

That I had been fighting a battle that had already been lost

That it was pointless to keep resisting

And I knew then too

The minute you stepped into my life

I had been wrong

And I had hurt you

And you knew

You knew that I had lost the battle for my heart

You were victorious

But I had denied you your right time and time again

And it hurt you very much

And I was to blame

And then I thought 'maybe I should let you go'

After all, it was your choice to leave

I couldn't stop you from making it

You stayed with me

Without complaint

But without reward

It would be the right thing to do

I could let you go and we could both start a new

Apart

And then we would both be free to find people we want to be with

I could have my wife and kids

You could have….whatever it is you wanted

It would be the right thing to do

It would be the fair thing to do

But don't you realize Wolfram?

I can't let you go

I don't think I could even if my life depended on it

Now I have to come after you

And make you come back

You manipulative, heart-string plucking, irresistible pretty boy!

I hope you're happy….

* * * * * * * * * * IT * * * * * * * * * *

Well, there it is. I'd like to explain a bit of what I was going for in this monologue. Ahem….

This monologue is to show Yuuri's inner turmoil over his developing feelings for Wolfram. Yuuri is not in denial necessarily but he is trying to stop himself from falling in love with Wolfram, but the more he tries the more difficult it becomes, especially because Wolfram's honesty with his feelings make it harder for Yuuri to lie about his own. It's supposed to show how admitting you love someone is a lot like admitting defeat in a battle because you are surrendering yourself to someone and in a way you are at their mercy because they now have power over you. Thus the paragraph at the end.

I hope that explains it. Please review, I really want to know what you all think even if it's negative, constructive criticism only though.

Have a good one! -EB


End file.
